Recently I made a comment to one of my colleagues, “They seem to treat our niceness as weakness”. And that’s what most people do. Whenever someone is nice, it’s always assumed that they need something or are weak and is always being taken for granted.
And this is so true, that in spite of knowing this, I always did it, but never realized it. The classic example is Ivy. I’ve been taking her for granted forever. I’m at office and when she calls me late at around 10.30 – 11 to check if I’m coming for dinner, I tell her casually that, “Oops, actually I’ve had dinner”. Only to realize later that she herself had not had dinner, waiting for me.
Whenever we’ve had a disagreement, (a polite word for a fight), she would be the one to make up. And I would be righteous and think, “Of course, she did, she was wrong”. But I guess it was my lack of maturity and her maturity that made her the better person. Whilst she was acting like an adult, I was acting like a spoilt brat. And then the human mind, being what it is begins to believe in what it tells itself many times.
Ivy is a working person. And works very hard. She’s a physician and practices at 2 hospitals and 1 clinic. The nearest is an hour away and the furthest 2 hours. She drives. In spite of all this, all 3 of us (My 2 daughters and me), demand attention, pampering, food and drink on demand, a nicely kept home, with everything in its place, whilst we’re extremely busy watching TV or browsing / playing on the Net.
And Ivy does all of this and more, with a smile. She’s nicer to my parents than I am. They’re more comfortable talking to her than me. So she’s a good daughter-in-law, a great mother and an awesome wife.
So I’d like to take this opportunity to say “Thank You”, for everything, and we do appreciate your niceness. And we’ll try and be nicer, but even if we aren’t and you continue to be as nice as you are, do know that we really, really appreciate and love you. More than words can say.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Words of advice from a father to his teenage daughters
Dear Freia and Reia,
When I was a kid there was this very famous song, which went, “When I was young, my father said, Son I have something to say, And what he told me I’ll never forget, until my dying day. He said … “
I’m not sure what I have to say will be as memorable, but I do hope you read it. And think about it.
I shall not bore you with a long lecture about what you should or should not do. That’s something I can do anytime. So here I shall stick to a few basic principles to live life by.
1.
Love your work. And you’ll be on a perpetual holiday.
2.
If you don’t love what you do, do what you love.
3.
Work hard. But have lots of fun.
4.
Never lie. It’s not worth it.
5.
Keep your commitments. And to make sure you can achieve this make as few commitments as possible, and when you do make them, ensure they’re realistic.
6.
Have the courage to admit your mistakes. And change course as required. You’ll achieve a lot more.
7.
Be nice to people. Life has a funny way of coming a full cycle.
8.
In whatever you do, do the best you can.
9.
Stick to your principles. Even if it makes you unpopular or makes life difficult.
10.
Listen to the world, but follow your heart.
And what’s interesting is that I practice what I preach and it seems to work for me. So I’m sure it could work for you too.
I left the most important one for last. And that is to “Be super nice to your parents.” There are a million reasons why, but I’ll just offer you one. You have the world’s second best parents (I happen to have the best), and you’ll love them.
Your loving Dad
When I was a kid there was this very famous song, which went, “When I was young, my father said, Son I have something to say, And what he told me I’ll never forget, until my dying day. He said … “
I’m not sure what I have to say will be as memorable, but I do hope you read it. And think about it.
I shall not bore you with a long lecture about what you should or should not do. That’s something I can do anytime. So here I shall stick to a few basic principles to live life by.
1.
Love your work. And you’ll be on a perpetual holiday.
2.
If you don’t love what you do, do what you love.
3.
Work hard. But have lots of fun.
4.
Never lie. It’s not worth it.
5.
Keep your commitments. And to make sure you can achieve this make as few commitments as possible, and when you do make them, ensure they’re realistic.
6.
Have the courage to admit your mistakes. And change course as required. You’ll achieve a lot more.
7.
Be nice to people. Life has a funny way of coming a full cycle.
8.
In whatever you do, do the best you can.
9.
Stick to your principles. Even if it makes you unpopular or makes life difficult.
10.
Listen to the world, but follow your heart.
And what’s interesting is that I practice what I preach and it seems to work for me. So I’m sure it could work for you too.
I left the most important one for last. And that is to “Be super nice to your parents.” There are a million reasons why, but I’ll just offer you one. You have the world’s second best parents (I happen to have the best), and you’ll love them.
Your loving Dad
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The new generation – Good, Bad or Ugly
My daughter Freia and I have quite a few interesting conversations. And lots of time, they are after Ivy, her mom, has given her a lecture on the tough old days, when she grew up and how today’s kids have no idea about what life is really all about, blah, blah, blah, …
And this set me wondering. The new generation, are they Good, Bad or Ugly. And surprisingly the answer I came up with was that they are not only good, they are awesome. As all things in life there are exceptions. Far more than we’d like, but far less than we think. These few give all of them a color that’s not really fair to these young people.
Let’s look at the facts and compare. And I’ll use me and my kids, so I can’t be accused of generalizing. My kids know far more than I knew at their age or even when I was twice their age. Their ability to understand, relate and apply is phenomenal. Their adaptation to new technology is simply amazing.
Last night I get a call on my cell from my daughter asking me to come on Skype. I say, that it doesn’t make sense since I unlike her, do not have a web-cam. Pat comes the reply. That’s okay. You’ll save money. And we think that they don’t understand the value of money. The point is they do. They choose to ignore it when convenient. As we probably did.
Every generation seems to get measurably and significantly smarter than the previous one. We can attribute this to increasing exposure, greater opportunities, open environment, global societies and a zillion other things. All of which are true. However like all things in life, that does not change the basic fact. We may have a reason for not being as smart as them. But the reason remains just that. A reason.
I’m happy that the new generation is much smarter than our generation. It means that our generation has done a good job, just like the previous one of ensuring that we are leaving behind a world as a much better place than we stepped in and a set of people who will not only run and make it more beautiful and enjoyable, but leave it in even better shape for the generations to come.
And this set me wondering. The new generation, are they Good, Bad or Ugly. And surprisingly the answer I came up with was that they are not only good, they are awesome. As all things in life there are exceptions. Far more than we’d like, but far less than we think. These few give all of them a color that’s not really fair to these young people.
Let’s look at the facts and compare. And I’ll use me and my kids, so I can’t be accused of generalizing. My kids know far more than I knew at their age or even when I was twice their age. Their ability to understand, relate and apply is phenomenal. Their adaptation to new technology is simply amazing.
Last night I get a call on my cell from my daughter asking me to come on Skype. I say, that it doesn’t make sense since I unlike her, do not have a web-cam. Pat comes the reply. That’s okay. You’ll save money. And we think that they don’t understand the value of money. The point is they do. They choose to ignore it when convenient. As we probably did.
Every generation seems to get measurably and significantly smarter than the previous one. We can attribute this to increasing exposure, greater opportunities, open environment, global societies and a zillion other things. All of which are true. However like all things in life, that does not change the basic fact. We may have a reason for not being as smart as them. But the reason remains just that. A reason.
I’m happy that the new generation is much smarter than our generation. It means that our generation has done a good job, just like the previous one of ensuring that we are leaving behind a world as a much better place than we stepped in and a set of people who will not only run and make it more beautiful and enjoyable, but leave it in even better shape for the generations to come.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The law doesn't care if you're innocent. Initially.
Yesterday 2 constables from the Karnataka police along with 2 constable from the local Mumbai police station landed up at my colleague, Pat's house. And they had a arrest warrant. A non bailable arrest warrant. The charges were quite serious.
Section 323 - Voluntarily causing hurt
Section 341 - Wrongful restraint
Section 506 - Criminal intimidation
The story began almost a year ago. Pat is a nice, gentle young boy who doesn't raise his voice even during a debate or disagreement. His sister was engaged to get married to a boy. A lady, Jill claiming to be his wife started calling, threatening and harassing my colleagues family. They tried reason and that she should take it up with her alleged husband. But to to no avail. They avoided receiving her calls. Until one fine day, Jill turned up at our office. She told the company management the exact same thing and wanted the company to take action. She was given a patient hearing and then politely asked to leave. But she did not leave. She collected a group of people near the gate and started screaming and abusing him. Not knowing how to handle this, he called a few colleagues who went to be at his side. She disappeared. Only to return with 2 police who took my colleague to the station. A few others went there to offer their support.
At the police station Jill made several allegations about that evening. Which by no stretch of imagination could be true, since Pat was with us in office, working. Fortunately Jill also alleged that he had made several harassing calls to her. Luckily the cops had the presence of mind to check her mobile as well as that of Pat's. And found that several calls to Pat had originated from Jill's mobile, but not a single one from Pat to Jill. This was enough for them to disregard her story, and as required by law, file a NC or what is a non cognizable complaint.
The cop was a nice guy and he warned Pat, that the law in India was strict and clear. Any allegation by a woman of any kind of harassment leads to immediate arrest. The police apparently have no discretionary powers. Pat was hopeful that the worst is over and that life will go on. Until yesterday. When 4 cops along with Jill land up at his home.
And the charges were the exact frivolous ones, where you need no evidence. The fact that Jill and Pat did not even live in the same city, leave alone neighborhood does not seem to have made a difference to the law or its so called guardians.
Once we heard from Pat, we called up friends, lawyers and anyone else we thought could help. A friend recommended a lawyer. I spoke with him and he reassured me that these were bailable offenses. And Pat should insist that they take him before a magistrate, who will grant him transit bail. In other words, let him go free on the promise that he will appear when required in a Karnataka court. The police who had taken him to the local police station wouldn't listen. They insisted he needed to travel to Karnataka and be produced before a magistrate there.
We tried several people, who spoke to the police, the lawyers and others who could help or had some information. Finally it was all in vain and Pat was taken to Karnataka.
The lawyer I spoke to said some extremely interesting things. Apparently the alleged crime for which he was being arrested was not appearing in court when summoned. And this is when it gets tragic. Apparently this is only the the 4th step. The law required that initially a summons be sent. And then a 2nd summons. And then a bailable warrant. And finally a non-bailable warrant.
Its thought provoking to note that none of the above ever reached Pat. They have coincidentally disappeared. And Jill along with the police were able to locate Pat only when the non bailable warrant kicked in. How convenient.
During my various phone calls and discussions, my 2 daughters who were at home were listening in. And were concerned since they knew Pat. After it was all over, they asked me to explain the issues. Which I did. And like me they felt the system SUCKED. And was unfair. And ...
My daughter Freia asked me a thought provoking question. Is it the same in all countries. And that started me thinking. What was the difference between countries like India and say countries in Europe, US or Canada. And my feeling is that the consequences of filing false complaints is huge and possibly unaffordable. If Pat and Jill were there, Jill would need to think a few hundred times, before cooking up a cock and bull story.
In India, there is no case or downside for Jill, even if finally Pat is pronounced innocent in a court of law. Pat has no legal or civil recourse against Jill. And so Jill and people like her misuse the law to get what in their mind may be justice or revenge or ... While people like Pat, go through hell, for no fault of theirs.
All of here hope and pray that this ordeal will soon end and that Pat will be back where he belongs. Amongst his friends and well wishers.
And that sooner rather than later, the law will change making it a serious punishable offense to harass the innocent.
* The names have been changed to protect the identity of Pat and Jill
Section 323 - Voluntarily causing hurt
Section 341 - Wrongful restraint
Section 506 - Criminal intimidation
The story began almost a year ago. Pat is a nice, gentle young boy who doesn't raise his voice even during a debate or disagreement. His sister was engaged to get married to a boy. A lady, Jill claiming to be his wife started calling, threatening and harassing my colleagues family. They tried reason and that she should take it up with her alleged husband. But to to no avail. They avoided receiving her calls. Until one fine day, Jill turned up at our office. She told the company management the exact same thing and wanted the company to take action. She was given a patient hearing and then politely asked to leave. But she did not leave. She collected a group of people near the gate and started screaming and abusing him. Not knowing how to handle this, he called a few colleagues who went to be at his side. She disappeared. Only to return with 2 police who took my colleague to the station. A few others went there to offer their support.
At the police station Jill made several allegations about that evening. Which by no stretch of imagination could be true, since Pat was with us in office, working. Fortunately Jill also alleged that he had made several harassing calls to her. Luckily the cops had the presence of mind to check her mobile as well as that of Pat's. And found that several calls to Pat had originated from Jill's mobile, but not a single one from Pat to Jill. This was enough for them to disregard her story, and as required by law, file a NC or what is a non cognizable complaint.
The cop was a nice guy and he warned Pat, that the law in India was strict and clear. Any allegation by a woman of any kind of harassment leads to immediate arrest. The police apparently have no discretionary powers. Pat was hopeful that the worst is over and that life will go on. Until yesterday. When 4 cops along with Jill land up at his home.
And the charges were the exact frivolous ones, where you need no evidence. The fact that Jill and Pat did not even live in the same city, leave alone neighborhood does not seem to have made a difference to the law or its so called guardians.
Once we heard from Pat, we called up friends, lawyers and anyone else we thought could help. A friend recommended a lawyer. I spoke with him and he reassured me that these were bailable offenses. And Pat should insist that they take him before a magistrate, who will grant him transit bail. In other words, let him go free on the promise that he will appear when required in a Karnataka court. The police who had taken him to the local police station wouldn't listen. They insisted he needed to travel to Karnataka and be produced before a magistrate there.
We tried several people, who spoke to the police, the lawyers and others who could help or had some information. Finally it was all in vain and Pat was taken to Karnataka.
The lawyer I spoke to said some extremely interesting things. Apparently the alleged crime for which he was being arrested was not appearing in court when summoned. And this is when it gets tragic. Apparently this is only the the 4th step. The law required that initially a summons be sent. And then a 2nd summons. And then a bailable warrant. And finally a non-bailable warrant.
Its thought provoking to note that none of the above ever reached Pat. They have coincidentally disappeared. And Jill along with the police were able to locate Pat only when the non bailable warrant kicked in. How convenient.
During my various phone calls and discussions, my 2 daughters who were at home were listening in. And were concerned since they knew Pat. After it was all over, they asked me to explain the issues. Which I did. And like me they felt the system SUCKED. And was unfair. And ...
My daughter Freia asked me a thought provoking question. Is it the same in all countries. And that started me thinking. What was the difference between countries like India and say countries in Europe, US or Canada. And my feeling is that the consequences of filing false complaints is huge and possibly unaffordable. If Pat and Jill were there, Jill would need to think a few hundred times, before cooking up a cock and bull story.
In India, there is no case or downside for Jill, even if finally Pat is pronounced innocent in a court of law. Pat has no legal or civil recourse against Jill. And so Jill and people like her misuse the law to get what in their mind may be justice or revenge or ... While people like Pat, go through hell, for no fault of theirs.
All of here hope and pray that this ordeal will soon end and that Pat will be back where he belongs. Amongst his friends and well wishers.
And that sooner rather than later, the law will change making it a serious punishable offense to harass the innocent.
* The names have been changed to protect the identity of Pat and Jill
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