This is a weekly blog that puts forward my thoughts, and my point of view.
You may agree with some. And probably disagree with most. And we can agree to disagree. After all, wouldn't life be boring if we all thought the same way.
After the loss of Dad, I've been reflecting on Life and Death. A decision that was taken in Dad's case was to accept that his illness was terminal and to focus on the quality of life.
This meant that having Dad at home, the place he felt most comfortable. And all of his kids and grand-kids spending time with him. This meant that Dad's final 6 weeks were as happy as the rest of his life. Surrounded by and spending time with the people who he loved and who loved him.
During this time a lot of his friends and family visited him and everyone got to spend quality time with him.
Several person, including some close family were advocating trying to leverage the power of modern medicine and explore treatment possibilities in India and abroad. However the doctors including Ivy were clear that in Dad's case the cancer was terminal.
Unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky. And most people go about extending life of their loved ones leading to an unacceptable quality of life for the patient. While it may be argued that the job of medicine and loved ones is to extend life to the extent possible, I disagree.
I believe that the choice of when and how much medicine should intervene should be left to the individual. And I for one would prefer that for me, medicine not intervene if the end result is likely to be the same and the intervention is only going to add a small slice of time at the price of major side effects.
My brother Don, sent an article on the subject, which has tackled this sensitive issue in a beautiful and brilliant manner.
My Dad had not been keeping too well since end July and had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer that had spread. He was 81 and aggressive treatment such as chemotherapy was not recommended by the doctors. He was being given targeted oral medication. He was not responding well to this treatment. In the meanwhile all of us were focused on making him as comfortable as we could.
I was visiting my daughter, brother and cousin in New York city on a layover from Denver to Mumbai. That's when we got a text informing us that my Dad had passed away a few minutes ago on September 12 at 2.30 a.m.
While my immediate reaction was one of immense sadness with a thought that if only I had left a day earlier, I could have said a final goodbye. On another level I was happy that my Dad did not suffer and had a peaceful death. My brother quickly dropped me to Penn Station and rushed back to Connecticut to make his travel arrangements and follow me back to Mumbai.
A 15 hour flight is a long flight. This time it felt even longer. And I spent most of it, not crying but tears rolling down my eyes. I was connected to the net and was getting real time information on the arrangements that were being made. I also kept playing over and over again one of Dad's favorite songs, "Goodbye ...".
And by the time I landed, I seem to have run out of tears. I was overwhelmed and touched with the number of messages of condolences. One of the most touching messages I received was from my daughter Reia, who had spent 2 months with him until a week ago.
"Don't be too upset. I think Dad is in less pain where he is now."
At home, everyone was sad yet happy that my Dad had not suffered. Arrangements were made for the funeral ceremony on Wednesday, Sept. 14. Every-time I found myself alone, even in bed, tears rolled down, and yet the moment I was with people they disappeared. I guess I realized I knew nothing about the coping mechanism of the human.
We spent Tuesday in making the arrangements for the Wednesday ceremony and coped by keeping ourselves busy. On Wednesday we had a mass in church where I had the honor of delivering the eulogy. And here is what I said.
"
Thank you all for gathering to celebrate the life and journey of my Dad, Ignatius Lobo.
A large part of this eulogy is written and inspired by my brother Don. Don spent the last 2 weeks with Dad and left a few hours before Dad passed and was unable to be here.
Ignatius Lobo, or Daddy as we all lovingly called him, was a remarkable man. Just over a month ago, Dad turned 81. A loving husband, a firm but fair father, a happy grandfather and a respected colleague. He devoted his life to his family and sought happiness in their joy.
As a father, our dad was a strict disciplinarian, and all of us were a bit scared of him. However, we valued the work ethic that he instilled in us, and we were always super proud to recount to our friends on how he rose from the position of a bellboy at Taj to being the Materials Management Director, by the time he retired, a career that lasted over 50 years. And as if that wasn’t enough he continued to consult for the Taj Flight Kitchen, Mumbai and Delhi for several years thereafter. We cannot count the number of times we asked Dad to retire and start enjoying life. His response, “Puta, I’m enjoying life. There’s a long time to retire and do other things too.” And true to that, when he finally did retire, he traveled the world with Mummy.
As adults, we look back and are inspired that our Dad continued his education and got his management degree when he was in his late 40’s. Just a bit over six months ago when Dad was almost 81, when we had gone to Mangalore, my Dad was a trooper and was willing to climb the 212 steps all the way to the top of the monument to view Gommateshwara. He was determined and set a great example for his kids and grand kids.
Dad with his grand-kids 2 weeks ago
As a grandfather, Dad was a completely different person. All his grand kids adored and loved him tremendously. Dad always thought the best of his grand kids. Every time they would talk to him, whether to tell him about securing admission in college, getting a job or just that they had bought a new dress, Dad would make them feel like the most smart, talented and special people in the world.
In the more recent years, Dad did not like to travel much. In spite of that, he flew all the way to the US for the birth of his youngest grandson, Elijah. And in the following years, Eli managed to get Dad to say Yes, to his every wish like playing and going out, when he had already said No, to everyone else.
Maya and PJ’s favorite memories of their grandfather include him taking them for sandwiches and ice cream at Taj. They loved to comb his hair and scratch his back.
And his grand kids Siddhant, Freia, Reia and Simran asked me to say these words. “We will never forget your sharp memory, your special Happy Birthday song, and all of the time you spent teaching us, showing us photo albums, buying us toys, taking us out and telling us stories of our parents. We know we were special to you, but you meant the world to us and always will. You remembered all of our milestones like Simbu’s Arangetram. Just a month ago you told her to have another special performance. We will always remember how proud and special you made all of us feel.”
Dad did not touch only the lives of his kids and grand kids. He touched lives across boundaries, with the family, at his workplace and even of people he did not know. Due to Dad’s nature of being a doer not a talker, we did not know until recently the quantum of impact Dad had and the number of people in whose life he had made a difference. When people visited Dad, they spent time in telling us how lucky they were in knowing Dad and how they were there to say, Thank You to someone who had changed their lives.
To quote Leo Uncle, who speaks for most people whose life Dad touched.
“I lost a role model, a person I looked up to for family values, work ethic and helping the needy. He was an inspiration to me especially during my college days in Mumbai. I remember the dinner Bavoji had organized at Taj before my departure and the day I left India to the US from his place and all the help in completing all the formalities that I had to go through for coming here. I wish I had a few more opportunities to reciprocate and thank him for what he had done to help me. Although Bavoji is no longer with us physically, he has left many fond memories for us to cherish. Thank you Bavoji for making a difference in lives of so many in this world.”
No love story is complete without the main players. Dad and Mum had a beautiful and loving marriage for over 50 years. Just a few months ago they went on a 2 week religious pilgrimage of Europe and the highlight was being blessed by the Pope from a few feet away. On their return, they were as excited as telling us the stories of the trip as a pair of young children. And Daddy and Mummy shared the perfect love story which continued to flourish.
Dad had a special soft corner for his only daughter Mabel. And she for Dad. And in the last 2 months she spent it caring for her favorite Dad. Together with Mummy and Ivy, they made sure that Dad got the royal treatment and was comfortable and happy till the very end. Dad told me when I spoke to him last that he’s taking good care of all of you. And I’m sure Dad meant it and will continue to do so.
Dad saw the positive in everything that happened and everyone he met. He would be extremely generous with praise, especially for his grand kids. He himself however would not like us to spend time in highlighting him. And I can see him Smile and Say, Good Puth Good, Pun Athe Puro.
And while I could go on, I’ll respect his wishes. On behalf of Mummy, Mabel, Don, Frank, myself and our entire family a big thank you to each and every one of you for being part of our family. For visiting Dad when he wasn’t too well and being a huge part of making Dad’s final weeks as happy and cheerful, surrounded by friends and family as the rest of his life. And for coming here today to celebrate Dad’s life. And as Dad would have liked to say,
"Tumko Saglianki Dev Bore Keru."
Please join me in silently wishing Bon Voyage to Daddy as he begins his final journey. With a hope and prayer that he’ll put in a good word for us.
And my admiration of him which was extremely high has gone up ten fold.We go through life taking things for granted, especially the people who mean the most to us. The one thing that I would do differently and plan to now do differently is spending as much time I can with the people who matter. Friends and Family.
Konkani Translations
Bavoji : Brother-in-law
Puta : Son
Good Puth Good, Pun Athe Puro : Good, Son, Good, But its time to stop
Tumko Saglianki Dev Bore Keru : God Bless all of you
My 4 week stint in Denver is coming to an end and the Wanna Pixel team decided to take me out for a full day outing. Denver nicknamed the Mile-High City is exactly one mile (5,280 ft) above sea level. The Lake we were going to was twice that, over 10,000 ft.
We left Denver after picking up our colleague Meg around 11. The 2 hour ride was beautiful as we drove up and around the Rockies. We arrived at Lake Granby, where we rented a 22 ft. boat. I was excited. My original profession was shipping and boats my first love. And first loves, remain.
We cast off with me at the helm and it fond memories came flooding back. Although the boat was probably 1/1,000 of the ships I sailed on, the thrill was the same.
And as if one thrill wasn't enough, there was a second in store. A drone. We were going to be flying a drone and capturing the beauty of Lake Granby and the surroundings from the air and multiple angles. Yet another activity I had never done, but always wanted to.
I thought I knew what a drone was and what its capabilities were. I was shocked. Its capabilities far surpassed anything I had dreamt of. I'll let you decide as you watch the video. And remember, many aspects of it are virtual reality compatible, which means that if you use 3D glasses you'll be able to explore the movie in all of its fascinating dimensions.
After a very long time I was going to be alone on my birthday, which was on Friday. Ironically enough, while there was no one with me in Denver, I got the maximum number of wishes that I've ever gotten. Thanks to Whatsapp.
And I had sufficient time to respond to each one. Individually.
Being alone I was contemplating on what to do. And so after work, I went to one of my favorite places. McDonald's. Had a coffee. Took out paper and pen. And made a list of 10 things I'll be doing before my next birthday.
Its going to be tough. But I'll be giving it my best shot. And if I manage to complete all of them, I'll write all about it in September 2017.
And here's the birthday song I listened to, since it was in my mother tongue Konkani.
